Film Ideas

I’ve been working on some film ideas:

The year is 2054. Brunettes have taken power. Anyone daring to be different is ruthlessly hunted down by the state. This is the story of a band of freedom fighters who, armed only with hair colouring and bleach, take a stand against oppression.  Working title: “Illegally Blonde”

In a world where outrageous has become the normal, this film tells the story of one man’s fight for the right to be boring. Working title: “Legally Bland”.

This hard hitting documentary tells the story of the only officially licenced, Ian Fleming approved 007 impersonator. Working title: “Legally Bond”.

Best Joke Ever

I Tweeted this joke last week to riot of tumultuous indifference. I’m putting in the blog now, mainly so that I don’t forget it.

“I got fired from my job at the zoo because in meetings I would always mention the elephant in the room.”

Perhaps I should apologise…

Saw a thing on the telly today about a man who trains dogs to pull sledges over the snow. Apparently he shouts his orders in a husky voice….

Another TV Show Idea

A bunch of burgers and sausages tell stories about each other while cooking. Provisional title: “Gossip Grill”.

Marking Humour

I've spent the entire day marking First Year exams. It does funny things to your brain. Next time I'm in charge of an exam I'm going to make sure that one of us turns up dressed as a Red Indian, one of us as a construction worker, one as a motorcycle cop, one as a cowboy and so on. When we are asked what we are doing I'll just say...

"Oh, we're the Invigilation People"

Festive Humour

Christmas Sieve

Film Idea

I've decided to make a film about Barbie's Butler. It is going to be called "Valet of the Dolls".....

Musical Question

Do trumpet playing courses have tootorials?

Olympic Secret

I was watching the Olympic opening ceremony last week when I believe I uncovered a great truth. If I suddenly vanish after this post, and it is mysteriously erased (well, you won't be able to read it, but anyway) then you will know that I have uncovered one of the greatest secrets of the age.

I think the Olympics is actually secretly run by the Walt Disney corporation. Consider the facts:

Olympic rings, or Mickey Mouse Ears?

Similar handwriting, eh?

Just think of it. All that TV time, advertising, merchandising, how can they not be doing it. I think the whole thing is actually being filmed in a big warehouse in Florida, with Pixar doing the animation for the outside shots. Every night a team of crack scriptwriters gets together and decides who wins each medal. It makes perfect sense. I just hope they are going to use the same approach for 2012.

Profound Question

Whilst looking in the fridge for my ration of strawberry flavoured milk I noticed that we had some "Thousand Island Dressing" in there. I started to wonder (always a bad thing) how the name came about:

Marketing Drone 1: "We've got this new pink stuff that you can put on salads"
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. Is it anything to do with the sea?"
Marketing Drone 1: "Nope"
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. Ships?"
Marketing Drone 1: "Nope"
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. Landfall?"
Marketing Drone 1: "Nope"
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. How about 'Island Dressing'?"
Marketing Drone 1: "Nah. Not impactfull enough."
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. How about 'Hundred Island Dressing'?"
Marketing Drone 1: "Nah. Too small fry."
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. How about 'Million Island Dressing'?"
Marketing Drone 1: "Now you're just taking the piss."
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. 'Thousand Island Dressing' it is then."

Actually it turns out that it was named by actress Mary Irwin, at a posh dinner party in a hotel. But I guess you already know that.

Strawberry Flavoured Milk Obsession Continues

Sainsburys were doing strawberry flavoured milk on offer at 2 litres for 2 pounds. This represents a saving of 36 pence and means that I now have two bottles in the fridge.

Life is good.

Did you know?

In the UK strawberry flavoured milk and petrol cost exactly the same per litre. But I know which tastes better.

Cars that never made it

These names were not dreamed up in a Staff Meeting. Oh no. I spent the entire time paying careful attention and making copious notes.

The Ford Caveat: "The car with the hidden surprise"

The Fiat Scenario: "The car that sounds like a great idea"

The Renault Gravitas: "For the driver who wants to boost their presence"

The Seat Ulterior: "You'll never really know why it just did that"

Question of Communication

Do fed-up radio operators talk with each other using Morose Code?

Very Silly Rob

The Channel 9 interview with me is now here. I'd say "enjoy", but, well, you know.......

Major Wit

Geoff: "Went to see Iron Man last Monday"
Rob: "Can he do shirts?"

I actually just said this...

"Have we missed 'The Day After Tomorrow'? I thought it was yesterday...."

I'm so proud of myself.

Very sorry about this....

I had lots of things to do today. At one point I thought that I'd put some things in a beaker full of water and see how much liquid came out over the top.

But then I decided that this would just be a displacement activity.

Old Funny Stuff

I wrote this ages ago, and I still like it:

"The dish was concerned about the way that her father kept introducing her to spoons."

Words fail me

"Waiter, why have you served me a dictionary with my meal?"

"Well sir, you did ask for the full English breakfast".