Deadly Toasters

Never had much luck with toasters. The old one repeatedly tried to kill me, and the new one doesn't work at all. Ages ago we bought a shiny toaster, mainly because the picture on the box had a funny misprint. It worked fine, but it wouldn't give us the toast back. Kind of a pop-down design. It was practically begging me to insert a pointy, preferably metal, instrument into its innards to try and prise the hot bread out of its steely grip. Instead I used to turn it upside down and shake it, which spread crumbs around the kitchen and nearly set fire to the base, what with heat rising the way it does.

So on Saturday we bought a new set of toaster and kettle. The toaster has three buttons  and lights, a big dial and comes with a "User Manual". But if doesn't work. Of course by the time we got round to testing it we'd thrown away all the boxes and packaging, so I'm going to have to go down to Tesco armed only with a receipt and an aggrieved manner. No fair. I like toast.