Sorry if you've heard this before...
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Does Darth Vader use "Windows 10 Destroyer's Edition"?
Sorry about this
/I was gardening today. As you do. Got to thinking about the mad scientist who tried to clone himself. He used a new technique, where you start at the top of the body and work your way down. Everything was going fine until he'd just finished the neck, but when he tried to do the shoulders it all went wrong, with arms and legs in all the wrong places. Ugh. He turned to his assistant and said.....wait for it....
"I knew I should have quit when I was a head".
Sorry about this....
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..at least you get a nice picture of a duck thrown in...
Working on an idea for a film about an American scientist who invents a machine that cuts off the bottoms of faces, and then goes on the rampage with it. Provisional title "Texas Chinsaw massacre".
Apologies again..
/"His rooms were covered with pictures of sheep."
"You mean he had flocked wallpaper?"
Sorry Again....
/I sold one of our Nissan cars last week. I was very pleased to be able to say to the chap at WeBuyAnyCar that I was paying "In used Notes".
No reaction. Oh well.
Sorry about this...
/There's a big lump of wood in the back of my chair.
I think it's the lumber support.
Caution Horses
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So, we're driving back down the motorway on Sunday and we pass a huge van with the above message on the back.
For a moment I had this vision of a the van containing a pair of specially trained equines who turn up when you do something stupid and say things like "Just this once, we'll let you off. But if you'd better not do it again".
After some discussion we decided that it could also be an instruction to pull into the next field and tell the occupants not to eat grass like that, or whatever.
Sorry about this
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What kind of soup does God like best?
Soup of the deity.
Driven to distraction
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Actually, in Which this month they have a feature on the way that modifications that you make to your car can add to your insurance premium. Adding a spoiler can cost you over a hundred pounds a year extra. Blacking out the rear windows adds around ninety four pounds to the cost of a policy. And blacking out the windscreen costs even more......
Scarf Humour
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Number one wife is knitting me a scarf. Today she turned to me and asked "How long do you want it?"
"Oh", I said. "I'd like to keep it".
Star Wars Movie Exclusive
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I've been given special access to the script for the up and coming Star Wars movie.
I can therefore exclusively reveal that the first two words that are spoken in the movie "Star Wars - The Force Awakens" are "Good Morning".
Invigilation Inspiration
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I always think that when I'm invigilating exams my subconscious will be able to work on difficult programming problems and whatnot and at the end I'll have something wonderful and useful.
Unfortunately all I've manged to come up with today is a product idea for a new food made up of raw meat and fish. It's a Taramasalata Steak Tartare Kickstarter.
Sorry About This
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I've just had an idea for a game where players ring each other up and tell them not to wash any more. The working title is "Call of Dirty".
The Blank Page
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For quite a while now I've been fastidious about making a blog post every today.
Today I thought I'd leave a post empty and see what happens.
Oh, wait a minute....
Unbearably Whitty
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At least you get a nice picture to look at...
I tweeted this joke last weekend from Whitby, but nobody seemed to notice or care. So I thought I'd blog it, just in case anybody missed it....
What do you call a caveman who can't walk in a straight line?
A meanderthal
Latest Camera Test
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My new camera has a “sweep panorama” mode. I thought I’d try it today, and it came up with this.
Fun with Dancing on Ice
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I was watching “Dancing On Ice” tonight (or at least it was on in the kitchen when we were having tea). I had a great idea. They could give the program a whole new feel by adding a different prefix to the last word each week:
- “Dancing on Rice” – dancing and cooking. Contestants slide around on a bed of rice while preparing a nice chilli con carne to go with it.
- “Dancing on Mice” – not real mice, of course, but computer ones. Contestants have computer mice fitted to their feet and must navigate a Word document and correct spelling errors whilst executing a triple axle (whatever that is).
- “Dancing on Price” – the contestants must find the cheapest ice rink in the country and then dance there using skates they’ve made themselves from trainers and old breadknives held together with second hand gaffer tape.
- “Dancing on Lice” – ugh. An “I’m a Celebrity” jungle feel where they must dance on horrible insects without the aid of hairnets. Extra marks for those moves where they spin round with their head inches above the floor.
Remember, you heard it here first.
April Fools Day–an apology
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Last year I did an April Fools joke on the blog that worked rather well. This year I’ve come to the conclusion that recent events have made it completely impossible to come up with anything remotely stupid enough to be believable.
Word of the day: Snodchortle
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The word ‘snodchortle’ doesn’t actually exist. In fact I’ve no idea why I mentioned it really. I just invented it to see how long it is before it turns up in Google search results with a link at the top which says “Buy snodchortle on ebay now.”
Update on 2012-03-27 07:38 by Rob
snodchortle is now on Google, but hasn't made it onto Bing yet....
Sorry about this
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Update on 2012-03-15 19:42 by Rob
Years ago I did this blog post along the lines of "If you aren't finding shelfish particularly relaxing you may have bought the 'Little Book of Clam' by mistake." Every since then I've been tickled by the way you can swap two letters round and get a lovely, absurd, result. Then, in the Programming 2 Lecture today one of the students had a "Keep Calm and Carry On" T-Shirt, and I knew how I was going to spend my lunch hour......
